Pale
by SweetLoveCries
Summary: "At least he's alive...". He sighed and looked up at the sky, only managing to find one star in it, shining weakly. "He wants to be dead..." ShikaNeji oneshot.


A/N: Short-ish oneshot with implied ShikaNeji. Um... I felt depressed and it was to kill the time and what not.

Text that is _italic_ represent memory.

This is not beta-ed. Hope there are not much mistakes. If something glares, tell me.

Enjoy.

Song at the beginning- Pale from Within Temptation.

I don't own song or Naruto series.

P.S. I am not fan of Hinata and I don't care how the war is going on in the manga series. I don't want flames regarding either of it. It is my story and I do what I want. It's a fiction. Not like- don't read.

**Pale**

_Have to try, to break free_

_From the thoughts in my mind._

_Use the time that I have,_

_I can't say goodbye,_

_Have to make it right._

_Have to fight, cause I know_

_In the end it's worthwhile,_

_That the pain that I feel slowly fades away._

_**It will be alright.**_

Something broke in the distance. The smell of smoke, dirt and rain, mingled with the blood. His stomach churned in painful twist as he hurried onward. The main camp was only few hours away. He had to reach it before... He had to reach it. That was final.

His squad mates were as distraught as they were from the beginning. After all, they had lost a battle. They were overpowered and outnumbered. Everything was going fine until they were ambushed at the very end. He should have known. He was supposed to predict it. He wondered if Gaara would be mad at him.

He had to hurry and bring them the news. To tell them that there were several other squads heading to the East, wanting and waiting to ambush close ranged fighters. The ambush squad was equipped with explosives. It was bad. If their division fell into that trap... it would be bad. Very bad.

The wood cracked underneath his feet, the smell of fire filling his nostrils and explosions went of in the distance. He stopped and looked in direction of explosions, his eyes wide in fear. His teammates stopped as well, all of them watching the sky filling with the black, thick smoke.

"S-Shikamaru-san... What should we do? We are late!" the man leaned against the tree, his eyes wide in fear.

They were late...

* * *

><p>The main camp was bustling with people. Talking and arguing was mixed with the cries and shrieks of injured people. Medics ran all over the place, trying to patch up all the wounded people. The wind carried the sorrow and tears that no one could put in the words.<p>

In the middle of the camp, the five men panted heavily, their eyes shut tightly as they explained what happened. The general commander listened carefully, with his blank, sea foam eyes trimmed with concentration.

"We sent half of our squad after them, to inform our division and delay the ambushers and we rushed back to inform you about it. It seems like we just sent our people into death..." the man explained, still out of breath.

The green eyes focused on the leader of the squad. However, before he could ask him anything, the shout from the other side of the camp announced arrival of more people. They snapped their attention at the gates, their eyes widening.

Shikamaru felt his heart skip a beat- so many injured... without limbs... so many dead... blood soaked the ground underneath their feet, along with their tears of pain. He spotted his friend and rushed over. He didn't want to believe that his friend was hurt, that anyone he knew was hurt.

"Choji!"

He didn't see any injury on the big-boned man. He had scratches across his cheeks, and his clothes were ripped and soaked in blood... but it didn't look like it was Chouji's blood. In fact, he didn't even notice that he was carrying someone in his arms. But when he did, he stopped breathing.

He didn't want to believe it... he didn't want to see or appreciate the fact that he was brought back.  
>Blood trickled down pale palm, wrapping around slender fingers like red wines. The body was limp. Clothes from the upper part ripped and used as the makeshift bandage to wrap the gaping wound on the pale chest. The face was covered with long hair, slicked with blood.<p>

He couldn't see his face.  
>He didn't want to see his face.<p>

His hands fell to his sides, brown eyes wide and filled with disbelief. And as the big-boned man approached him, giving him sad look and silent "Shikamaru..." a loud shriek tore off from his lungs...

"NEJI!"

* * *

><p>The camp was still. Night had fallen few hours ago and only few patrolled across of it, in case of an secret ambush.<p>

The medics in tents worked silently but effectively- there were only silent groans coming from the patients placed on the ground, wrapped in the bandages, trashing around in fever or hissing as the cool hands treated their wounds.

He sat in front of the futon where the man slept. He tried to convince himself that he was only sleeping and not knocked out cold and put into coma. He wanted to stop his own trembling. He wanted to muffle all the other people telling him that it wasn't his fault for not informing them on time.

He had failed Neji again. Like all those years ago. He'd known what would happen and yet he couldn't stop it. He knew that it was his fault now as well, even if others told him it is not. He felt his chest constrict with pain as Choji's words rang through his head...

_"He was in front of us. He was leading the way from the valley, successfully managing to evade the conflict and even if we encountered enemy, he easily fought our way to victory. He wouldn't have gotten a scratch when we fell into ambush... he had easily defeated opponents that approached us from the east. It was the west group that caused us a problem. Our west division didn't have a leader so he hurried off to help them. He was late. He managed to save only Hinata. The rest... Hinata wasn't hurt while Neji sustained the major injuries and medic gave him the first aid on the spot and we hurried back to the main camp. I'm sorry Shikamaru..."_

He scanned the medical tent. There was Ino treating some minor wounds to Sai, Shizune taking care of the bigger wound on Kiba's shoulder while Sakura was making antidotes on the assembly table. At first they didn't want to let him in and stay but he managed to sneak his way in and sit at Neji's side.

His mouth twisted into sneer- where was Hinata now to say 'thank you' for saving her life? She should have been with him from the beginning, when Neji was injured. She should have helped them out, not crying like a helpless kitten in Shino's arms. This was a god-damned war! Why did she come if she couldn't put up with it!

The body in front of him stirred and brown eyes snapped to look at it. The right side of the pale face was wrapped in bandages, the wound on the chest tended and healed, now wrapped carefully as well. There were burns across his arms and Shikamaru knew there were burns on the pale legs as well. He saw them when Sakura and Ino treated him.

Brown eyes widened and his body shook as one pale eye blinked slowly and low groan escaped the sliced lips. The eye remained half-lidded as it gazed at the lantern above his head. With a loud grunt, pale man gasped out:"...I wish...I'd died..."

A tear... a single tear slid from the brown eye before pain and anger twisted handsome face, making said eyes shut tightly: "You fool..." Shikamaru Nara gripped at his own pants, trying not to yell his frustration out. "Why did you do that, you devoted, dumb fool...?"

Shikamaru didn't expect an answer so Neji didn't give any. Shikamaru knew everything about him, he didn't need to answer that question. He knew the answer to it anyway. So he concentrated on the situation he was in - wrapped in blanket with bandages over his eye and every muscle in pain, tearing him apart.

The eye bandage... He felt small choke escape him as his eye averted to look at the man sitting beside him: "It's gone, isn't it?" Brown eyes locked on pale one, his head bowing down slightly:"Sakura said it suffered great damage..." Strained sob escaped the heaving chest, pain rippling through it like a fire.

"Neji, calm down... you are alive and that maters..." but the long haired man kept trashing his head right and left, trying to stifle the cries. "No it is not... I wish I lost my arms... or legs...instead..."

Shikamaru didn't know what to do. He knew how much it meant for Neji to have his eyes. His hands couldn't prove enough how much he detested what he was. Only eyes and the defiant, silent anger behind them.

He placed hand on the pale cheek. He felt Neji flinch slightly from the touch, closing his eye tightly, letting out restrained whimper. "You do know that you will remain what you are even without your eye?" Pale eye closed tightly, refusing to let out the tears. "We all know who you are, what you are and how great as shinobi you are. Those that don't know and judge you are making the beginners mistake- underestimating you."

No one to judge him...

* * *

><p>It was his fifth... he tossed it on the ground and stomped on it, putting it out.<p>

He hated smoking more than anything. And yet, he was here, outside of the medic tent, smoking one after another, wondering how in hell he hasn't choked on them yet.

His eyes fixed the ground as his arms came to cross on his chest. It was silent. Even patrol was standing in one place. The dark sky was empty. No stars. It only gave him the chills... he didn't like empty skies...

_"I cannot tell just yet if his eye will remain the way it is. It had suffered great burn...I cleaned the wound and applied the ointment but I don't know if it will save his eye in time... he better be ready for this to not work at all..."_

Ino... she didn't have hope. Since the war began, the blond was strangely quiet and devoted to her assignments and missions. She worked like a robot, following other Intel's instructions of what and how to heal. He saw her healing some of Chouji's wounds earlier...

_"None survived. He managed to save only Hinata from the big explosion. She remained unscratched while he sustained main damage. Like always, ne?"_

Chouji always remained the same- collected about all the things that happened. Shikamaru also believed that the war made him just more careful of what to do. He hated the way his friend talked about Neji- he knew that as well. He knew that Neji was more than capable to lead the squad. He made mental note to thank him later for keeping his big-boned friend alive.

_"...you should rest, Shikamaru. There is nothing you can do and tomorrow is just another day...it will be filled with this... the blood, the pain, the suffering and loses. Be happy that he's alive..."_

_"What happened is not your fault. You had sent out a team to help them out. You had your own duties to fulfill. Stop blaming yourself... I'll need you clear headed tomorrow..."_

_"Neji will pull through this... As my rival and friend, I know he will. And even if he has only one eye left, he will still be my biggest drive to better myself!"_

They all tried to make him feel better. Temari. Gaara. Lee. They came and left, their voices of encouragement ringing in his ears.  
>The division suffered great loss. What is loss of one eye to them compared to lives? No one cared. They just needed soldiers patched back up so they could march on the field again.<p>

_"I ...wish I'd...died..."_

NO! No, no, no, no! Not yet! Not now and not like this. Not at this age and in this time! It is not his time, it is not their time to go just yet. Not him...

Shikamaru didn't have many things he held dear. Sure he cared for his parents, his friends were very important to him and his teacher returned to the land of the dead, resting in peace. That was all important to him. But there was only one person who actually moved him, in more than one way. And it irritated him that that same person wanted to lay to rest with the dead.

_"You are lazing off again, Nara," quiet scolding came from the door of the Chuunin lounge where Shikamaru sat sprawled across the sofa, staring at the ceiling. _

"_Not really, just thinking..." brown eyes turned to watch the long haired man approach him and stand next to the open window. "About what?" Shikamaru stopped staring at swaying hair to stare at the ceiling again: "The anniversary." _

_They were silent for a moment. The lazy man spoke up first._  
><em>"The World doesn't seem the same anymore..." but his words were met with silent huff: "Not really. Nothing has changed..."<em>

Nothing has changed. They didn't change. The Hyuuga family still treated him the way they did before. They didn't even visited Neji when he was brought in or when he regained consciousness. It was trivial for them. If you were not from main family, your well-being came in last. It made Shikamaru grit his teeth in anger. He wanted to yell at them, tell them that all of them were only humans - nothing more, nothing less.

_Brown eyes narrowed in confusion._  
><em>"What do you mean, nothing has changed?" Neji stared at the Academy grounds, watching children run around, "It's just another day Nara. The thing that we survived mortal wounds on this day means only to us, not to them." <em>

_He turned to look straight into brown eyes._  
><em>"For them, it's just normal day, like any other..."<em>

Even back then, he knew that Neji was right. He just didn't want to admit it. He wanted to believe that people cared for each other, that you could rely on your family when in need. Not Neji. He never did. He didn't say it, but Shikamaru knew it. He had a reason not to believe in it.

Silent footsteps snapped him from his thoughts and brown eyes landed on tall figure coming towards him. The man stopped in front of him and for a moment no one talked.

"How is he?" A deep voice asked quietly. Shikamaru looked at his father before glancing away not answering immediately.

After a while, he spoke.  
>"He has three broken ribs, second-degree burns, a large rupture in the middle of the chest and had lost his eye."<p>

There was deafening silence. Neither spoke. A low grunt emitted from the older man, followed by a soft sigh.  
>"At least he's alive..."<p>

Shikamaru sighed and looked at the sky, only managing to find one star in it, shining weakly. "He wants to be dead..."

* * *

><p>Pale eye stared at the ceiling of the tent. He could hear muffled sounds coming from the outside of it, knowing it was Shikamaru with Shikaku. They were talking. They always talked. They always watched over each other. They were a family in middle of a war. Briefly, Neji wondered how Yoshino was doing. He wondered in which squad she was put in.<p>

They were good people. Lazy and temperamental, but caring and supportive. It worked for them. They were a holy union everyone knew as the family. But people didn't know how much they had diminished the meaning of it in their case.

He had family - uncle, cousins. They were somewhere out there, taking care of themselves. When it came to the state of taking care of your own life, nothing mattered but themselves. When it was peace, there was electrical tension in the air and pale sincerity.

_"We will watch each other's back!"_

Hypocrisy.

His family had let someone else take care of him. They didn't need him now that he's lost his eye. He didn't know whether to be happy or sad about it. Happy that it was Nara's that took him in and care of him or sad that his own family turned their backs on him.

He felt a pang of guilt wash over him as he realized what kind of burden he was to the Naras now. He will have to ask them to stop bothering themselves over him, he was not worth it. Not anymore. He shouldn't be considered worthy. He wasn't capable of doing anything properly anymore, even the simple task of seeing things.

The talking outside of the tent stopped and Neji stiffened. He knew Shikamaru would come back in after his father leaves. Neji didn't want him back in, he didn't want anyone of them beside him, taking care of him. It was a shameful burden taking care of a crippled man, a shinobi of Jounin level no less. He felt shame eating his insides and he turned his head to the side, closing his eye.

He heard shuffling and slow steps towards where he was.  
>He felt a familiar aura sit on his left side, not letting out a sound, probably thinking he was asleep. He felt choking on his own sobs.<br>And he felt like dieing when hand slowly ran fingers across his face...

* * *

><p>Shouting came from outside. His ears could make out some of the voices yelling, asking questions and discussing. He knew what was coming. That's one of the reasons why Shikamaru left so early in the morning. Another day, another attack, another attempt for victory.<p>

He wanted to be with them. To encourage the troops and discuss the strategy. To lead them to victory not death. To pull them through another day of nightmare so that they can lay at peace in the evening, enjoying the feeling of being victorious. To raise their morals for the battle that will be raging the next day.

But he could barely move. His hands were wrapped in bandages, as well as his legs. The wound on his chest burned and he had no feeling in his right eye.

He had asked Sakura to prop him up into half sitting position and she did, very carefully not to strain his wounds even more.

He watched the other patients in the tent - with no leg, or arm...with terrible wounds...some of them covered over the head, dead...The sound of metal clashing with metal from the outside distracting him even if he wanted not to pay any attention to it.

It had failed. He didn't turn to look at the entrance of the tent. He knew who was doing what. Shikamaru and Shikaku were with Gaara, discussing the latest strategy. Usually he would be with them as well, but not now. Not in the near future as well.

Lee was running around the camp, alerting people to take their positions and telling them a basic wrap of the plan. The people were getting to their feet, collecting their weapons and gearing up for the battle. Temari would be stationed at the exit of the camp, dividing people in squads after receiving complete orders from her brother.

He had heard new voices- someone was talking about Inoichi's Intel squad joining them soon. They were excited. They felt a chance to win. Their morals were high. Their squad members were eager for full cooperation. They could smell the victory in the air.

Neji wanted to be there, among them. He wanted to nod in approval at Lee's eagerness to fulfill next mission, to discuss plans with Shikamaru and Gaara, to be in a squad. It wouldn't matter if he wasn't a leader of it. It would matter that he was back in fight and that's what he wanted.

But he couldn't. He felt his finger twitch and he closed his eyes, trying to muffle out their shouts of excitement from the outside. It was tormenting his soul.

He wanted to be there...

He snapped his eye open as cool palm touched his forehead and he was fixed down with fierce black eyes. Yoshino...

"I heard of your stunt, kid. That was one daring move. It's a miracle that you're alive, you know," she said, sitting down to his right side, leaning on the wooden pole that held the tent upright. She placed the bag in front of her, going through the things that were in there.

Neji looked away from her as she continued talking: "Everyone's talking about it around the camp. Your recklessness gave them a morale boost. Like they were shot with an adrenaline injection or ate who-knows-how-much soldier pills that Inuzuka's made. I hope you realize," he placed the bag away as she took out scroll she was searching for, "that you are a born leader."

It stung. Her praises stung so hard that he wanted to jump and yell. He gritted his teeth hard, closing his eye tightly.  
>She didn't say anything else, but proceeded to read the scroll she took out from her bag. He wanted to deny everything that this woman thought of him, that there was nothing left for admiring in him.<p>

"I don't wanna live. I don't wanna know anything anymore. Without my eye I'm useless! I cannot even have normal life anymore, less the one of a shinobi..." he growled out silently, not wanting to attract the attention of the medics. He didn't want for them to send away Yoshino because he felt like yelling.

Yoshino looked at him and that fierce pain twisted on his face. It was not pain from the physical injuries, but one that didn't heal so fast and that sometimes not even time can help. She stared at the muddy ground of the tent her gaze flicking back on him from times to times, watching how one young life felt no desire to go on anymore...

* * *

><p>It was early spring morning.<p>

The sun had come out mere seconds ago, casting pale light across the rooftops of the Konoha, the chill still in the air. Soft breeze swept around, making leaves on thick canopy to flutter. Everything was still.

Pale eye watched over the rooftops of the newly built houses. The town was still asleep, still dreaming about sweet freedom they fought out few years ago. Even he could still taste the victory from that day.

But that wasn't the reason why he was up so early. The victory day was celebrated a week ago. This morning has entirely different meaning for this Hyuuga.  
>A soft -tack- behind him announced arrival of the person he waited for. He didn't say anything, but kept on crouching until he felt the said person stand beside him.<p>

"You're early Neji," Shikamaru said, his gaze wandering over the city. He was rewarded with snort from the long haired man: "I am not early. I am on time. You, on the other hand, are late."  
>Shikamaru didn't say anything, just remained standing beside the crouching man, looking at the silent sunrise.<p>

"We should go," he finally said, making Neji look up at him and nod once before standing up. Shikamaru stared at the pale eye for several moments before leaning down slightly and placing a kiss on the brunette's forehead.

They were silent. They didn't need any words. They knew it all very well. The story, the feelings, the thoughts. They knew each other enough to not to break the moments like these with words. So, as Shikamaru pulled back, Neji's pale hands cupped his face and tilted head down, placing one of his kisses on Shikamaru's forehead.

When Neji pulled away and leaned his forehead on Shikamaru's chest, hands wrapped around him instantly, without a word being said.

This day wasn't meant for celebration. And when they jumped down the building and headed down the road, as if nothing happened, only they knew what kind of impact this day had brought them.

**End.**

**Note: **What Neji and Shikamaru were talking about is the day when they chased after Sasuke and Neji was brought to Konoha with two mortal shots through him. That's what they are celebrating at the end of story.


End file.
